Attraversiamo. Let’s Cross Over.

The in-between has always been my forte, the place where I am thinking-feeling all at the same time. It’s not a pretty place, and there’s an overdose of everything. But it didn’t matter much, often. Because I would eventually get over it. Until now.

I suppose its harder to get over what’s been close to you for a long time. And I was ready to give it time. To feel, to process, to grieve. I wasn’t ready to climb the mountain, or make a decision, yet. And I didn’t beat myself over it.

But it wasn’t getting over.

I made one decision. I needed help. For someone to help me get over it. I don’t exactly know who that someone was. There were multiple beings, both real and fictional. Probably I was looking for signs of help, so it came to me in various forms.

I was watching this pigeon on the roof in front of my balcony. And it was watching too, I do not know whom or what. But it seemed like there was something holding us both back.

I watched the pigeon for some time, expecting it to fly soon. All the other birds did. It didn’t. Once in a while it would take a step front, and then several steps back. It kept watching, or waiting, I don’t know for what.

Two songs later I was tired of watching him. So I started doing some other stuff. I would peek and check if it was still there. Nope, not ready to fly. I also think that being a bird, its natural instinct was very clear to me. It will fly. I just didn’t know when.

In my months of over thinking, and over feeling, I probably always knew what needed to be done. I just wasn’t ready. And now I am tired of being in that state. I kept wishing it would go away. I kept wanting to get to my normal, whatever it would be now, just not this huge feeling of a hole in my heart. I definitely couldn’t live the rest of my life feeling like that. Because no matter what I did to subside that feeling, it would keep coming back.

That was when I heard this word in a movie. Attraversiamo. It means ‘let’s cross over’.

The word didn’t speak to me until a day later during my afternoon nap. And it was then that I realized however much I love the in-between phase, it was time to climb the mountain.

That was also when I saw the pigeon from my balcony.

Four songs later I was more thinking about myself and listening to the songs than watching the bird. But I didn’t want to miss the flight.

It was almost unexpected, to be honest. Like it would be dark before I get to see it. It kept waiting for something to happen, like me. For a moment I considered observing the crow instead. It would fly sooner! The pigeon was taking its sweet time.

I was on the fifth song, somewhere in-between when I looked up at the pigeon. And almost on a whim it walked to the edge and flew away. Just like that.

I am gonna remember that sight for some time. I am glad I didn’t miss it. Because it made me realize that no matter who I ask for help, I was the one who had to take the flight.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t known. Just probably didn’t make sense until then.

So now I know what to do. Attraversare, cross-over. It was time to fly.

I don’t know about the bird but the same time I decided this, I also started thinking ‘how-to’. I wasn’t ready right now. There were a few things that I needed to take care of first. So that’s what I am going to do. Which makes me think that now I am the pigeon on the roof. I know I have to fly, and I am preparing for it.

When I’m ready, almost on a whim, I will walk to the edge, and cross over to the other side. There might be other in-betweens after that. But this one has run its course.

So that’s where I say, Attraversiamo. Let’s cross over!

PS: If you’re a believer of signs, this might be yours. Whenever you are ready. :)

PPS: Fiction references - Dear Zindagi and Eat Pray Love.

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